Weighty Issues

I watched the finale of the Biggest Loser last Tuesday and couldn't help but be impressed by the people on the show and their ability to lose all the weight that they did. I wish I could do that.

I am really struggling with my weight. I will be the first to admit it. I need some kind of help. I look at myself and can't help but feel disgusted in how I look. It makes me feel miserable. I've tried dieting and exercise but I can't seem to stick with it. I really think my job is having a hugely adverse affect on me.

I really don't enjoy my job much anymore. While I don't think I am overworked, I do think that my abilities are underutilized. I am an intelligent individual doing a job that doesn't require that much brain usage. I end up sitting here all day (that's nine full hours of inactivity) and the burden of doing this job just wears me out. I get home and I don't feel like doing anything.

I need a different, new job. I'm afraid however to take the plunge and do something different. It is so difficult to find something new that I am qualified for. Additionally if a new job doesn't work out I feel like I would struggle to find something that pays as well as this place.

When I'm at home hunger doesn't seem to be a problem. I think it is because I am comfortable at home and don't feel a need to eat. Here at work I have breakfast (which I rarely eat at home), a decent sized lunch, and then I usually find myself buying a snack food out of the junk machine. Combine all this with the sitting on my butt and you get an overweight lump.

I try to go to the gym, but I feel as if I'm missing out on a lot of things at home. Additionally I feel as if I have to hurry to get home because with Angie out of work it means she's been home with the kids all day and I know she needs a break. I want to give that to her, so I go home instead of going to the gym. When I do go to the gym I typically work out on the elliptical machine, then work the stair stepper followed by a one mile walk around the track. I wish I enjoyed lifting weights, but I don't I tried doing that twice and I found that I ended up getting injured (including my second umbilical hernia surgery). My ankles really can't handle the weight lifting anywaysl, especially my surgically repaired one which still gives me trouble.

The gym has a pool, but frankly I am too embarrassed to use it. I don't like taking off my shirt at all, especially in public. This has made it difficult in the summer to play with the kids in the water and frankly I hate it. If there is one thing that bothers me about my weight, it is that.

Another thing that really gets me is the future. Balin is 15 months old and by the time he graduates high school I will be 57. It scares me that the best years of his life my be my worst, with continued weight issues and a scary prospect of heart problems. I pray that I have the longevity of Mom's side of the family but I fear I may not if I keep going on the path I'm currently on.

I'm so embarrassed of myself at times. I have recently (through facebook and through this blog) reconnected with a lot of friends from high school and college. I have not however posted any pictures of myself simply because I am embarrassed at how I look. It really does bother me.

I'm writing this because if anything, this blog has served me well as an outlet for my feelings. I'm not looking for a miracle cure for my obesity, nor am I looking for any kind of consolation. All I want to do is share my own thoughts about myself. Perhaps these have been thoughts you've actually had about me. I need to keep trying. I need to bust through and see significant results and make a real change. I need to do this for me and more importantly for my family. I don't want Gracie and Balin to follow in my footsteps. I want them to live a healthy life and stay beautiful so when they are 40 years old they don't have to deal with these issues.

Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest. As always your comments are always welcome.